Friday, April 28, 2006


For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

The following are excerpts from actual investigative supplemental reports.

“We went to the door looking for the perp. We knocked, there was no answer. We knocked hard, then we knocked really really hard. There was still no answer”.

“I spoke to the doctor in the hospital. He said the victim’s condition was very very bad.”

“The witness stated she could not identify the perp, but that she would be able to identify the dog. Because we have no photos of dogs for an array request this case be closed.”

Every contact leaves a trace.This is the principle upon which most of our forensic science analysis is based on. Latent prints developed from surfaces touched; hair and fibers recovered from areas where a person was present; DNA found on weapons handled.

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

Monday, April 17, 2006

Say What...?

Some of these I may have printed on this site in the past – but nevertheless, they are certainly worth repeating. Keep in mind that these are actual quotes – some from complainants, witnesses, prisoner debriefings – and many from other Detectives! Enjoy!
“That’s putting the horse before the cart”
“If you don’t like the smell of Ben-Gay, try using the senseless kind”
“I got a mind brain headache (migraine headache)”
“He’s like a bull in a china closet”
“Behind every cloud is a silver platter”
“Go through everything with a fine toothbrush”
“Too many fires on the iron”
“We’re all making some shingles” (shekels)
“Let’s shake some feathers, or ruffle the trees”
“What time was the pronunciation”? (pronouncement of death)
“He’s in a seduced (induced) coma”
“I want her arrested, she kicked me in my test cycles (testicles)”
“She’s my wife-in-law” (common law wife)
“The statue of liberties (statute of limitations) passed on that charge”
“I’m an oppartunour.” (entrepreneur)
“I don’t speak English, I speak American”.
“I’m no criminal, I’m on parole”.
“I shot in self defense, I’m a defendant”.
“He don’t drink, he has sore roses (cirrhosis) of the liver”.
“She speaks English and Spanish, she’s bilateral”. (bilingual)
“I took one of those elastic altitude (scholastic aptitude) tests when I was upstate”.
“Can I play solitary on the computer on my break?” (solitaire)
“He’s got Al’s-Hammer (Alzheimer’s) disease”
“It was one of those 2 lebonese girls that live down the street”. (Lesbian)
“I got minstrel (menstrual) pain”.
“The bullet went in my thigh and missed my tentacles (testicles)”.
“The doctor said he got trouble with his veins from flea bites (phlebitis)”.
“The Arabs got biodegradable weapons.” (Biological weapons)
“He’s not a Baptist, he’s an Episcopal Alien”.
“I had a depraved (deprived) childhood”.
“I got an upper repository (respiratory) infection”.
Sign on a car repair shop: “We Fix Automated Transitions”
“He can’t come to work. He has conductors eye sores”. (Conjunctivitis)
“Somebody has to come here to sign the affa-davis”. (affidavit)
“You know, that Ornamental (Oriental) Chinese looking guy down the block”
“That’s one of them bomb dogs, it’s a Laboratory Receiver.” (Labrador Retriever)
"The fatal injury was repaired at St. Mary's and she is recovering"

Saturday, April 01, 2006


(WHAT DID HE SAY?) A person who doesn’t have anything to conceal will generally recall events chronologically and in a concise manner. Those who are involved in crimes often feel the need to justify their actions. Their statements won’t follow a logical, chronological time frame or may avoid what really happened. They may also include extraneous information in their statements, information that’s not necessary to tell the story.

And, yes, they’ll probably fall asleep when left alone in the holding cell.

Upon arrival at the scene, don’t touch anything. Observe, Describe, and Record what you see. Your description should enable someone reading it months later to get the feel of what the scene looked like to the arriving investigator. Remember such details as lighting, weather, smell, etc. Be sure in recording your description of your observations at the scene that you are writing what you see, and not what you think you see (do NOT interpret).

The Medical Examiner is tasked with determining the cause and manner of death. What’s the difference? Cause is a medical distinction. Some examples of a cause of death would be “blunt force trauma”, or “strangulation”, etc. Manner of death is a legal distinction. Manner of death include homicide, accidental, and suicide.
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